I would say I’m a pretty lucky woman. I have four great kids, a satisfying job, and a tall, dark and handsome husband who makes me feel like the sexiest woman in the world.
The only problem is that I don’t want to have sex. Ever. And the reason why isn’t the four kids, the job or the husband. It’s the chemistry in my brain.
This week marks the 17th anniversary of the FDA’s approval of Viagra, the medication to treat erectile dysfunction. One of the most widely known pharmaceutical drugs in the country, “the little blue pill” has been giving suffering men the ability to get erections for the last 17 years. But no treatment option exists for me.
Last month, the pharmaceutical company Sprout resubmitted the drug flibanserin, or what some call “the female Viagra,” to the FDA for approval. For years, there has been debate from all sides about the treatment, including whether the condition that flibanserin aims to treat – hypoactive sexual arousal disorder (or HSDD) – actually exists. Well, I am one of the 16 million women who live with the condition every day.
I first noticed that my desire was low three years into my new relationship with my current husband. I met Ben as a recent divorcee and the attraction was instant, and powerful. It was like I was a teenager in heat again, which remained constant for years, until one year, I began to notice a dramatic drop in my desire.
I had experienced low desire before, following the births of my children and when my marriage started going downhill. But this was different. This time, there was no psychological issue, nor were there any physical problems going on “down there.” This feeling was like nothing I had experienced before. I loved my husband more than ever. I wanted to want him. And boy, did I try. I ordered weird elixirs off the Internet that were supposed to boost my libido, was deliberate about destressing every day, engaged in flirty texting, and bought sexy lingerie. But I just couldn’t “turn it on.” Think of a pot of water simmering on a stove, but never quite getting hot enough to boil.
While waiting to see my doctor one day, I stumbled on a brochure regarding a clinical trial for women with low desire. As I read the symptoms, I got progressively more concerned – perhaps this was me. I talked with my physician, after which I answered several screening questions, and a physical and emotional review to rule out any relationship issues, physical causes or other possible reasons why I had no desire. And it was confirmed: I was diagnosed with HSDD.
What I learned was that women with HSDD have markedly different characteristics than women with a low libido. In fact, MRI scans of women with the condition show different brain activity than women without it.
And suddenly, everything made so much more sense. I knew in my bones that what was happening to my body was so much more complicated than a problem with my relationship, or some kind of hormonal imbalance. I felt like for the first time, I understood what was happening to me. And even better, there was a potential solution.
I had the opportunity to be a part of one of flibanserin’s trials. Flibanserin is not like Viagra in the way that it stimulates men’s nether regions, but targets the chemistry in the brain that affects sexual response. (In other words, the chemistry that’s out of whack for women with HSDD.) I started the trial and within two weeks noticed a difference. What had previously been “obligatory” sex every other weekend quickly became several times a week – and with my initiation. It was as if someone turned a light switch on; suddenly my desire for sex returned.
And the following eight months were a gift. For the duration of the clinical trial, Ben and I achieved a whole new level of intimacy. Not only did the frequency of sex increase, but the quality of it. And then, the trial ended. I had to return my pills, and just like that, my lack of desire returned.
The FDA’s reasoning for rejecting flibanserin is the concern that the risks outweigh the benefits – specifically, the fact that the treatment makes some women drowsy. (Which is why you take the pill before you go to bed.) In the meantime, Viagra’s potential side effects include sudden vision or hearing loss, chest pain, irregular heartbeat, shortness of breath and edema. How do the benefits outweigh the risks with Viagra, but not when it comes to women’s sexual desire needs? Why are men trusted to make the decision between themselves and their doctor, and to take those potential risks – but not women?
Then there are critics claiming that the condition doesn’t exist, or that women simply have different “desire styles,” which they should deal with on their own. When people deny the condition’s existence, it diminishes women’s real experiences and lives. And that feels incredibly patronizing to me. It’s almost like I’m standing outside of a conversation between a group of people talking about me – but who don’t even acknowledge that I’m there, and have the most valuable thing to say in the matter. How can these “experts” speak of something about which they have no personal experience?
Women had to fight for years to get access to birth control and other reproductive healthcare (and continue to do so). And more than anything, that fight was about having access to choices. Today, men don’t just have Viagra – in fact, they have more than two dozen treatment options to help them with their most common sexual complaint. But women have none. Why is there so much pushback against something that women clearly want and need? Shouldn’t we be fighting to get women access to sexually fulfilling lives? Women with HSDD should not only have a full spectrum of treatment options – both psychotherapy and medication – but most importantly, we should be trusted to make our own health decisions with our doctor about what the best option is for us. I found one that works for me. Shouldn’t I have that choice?
