Sex DRIVERS

For several years I have been discussing my distress about and struggle with low desire.

I have a wonderful marriage, sexy and attentive husband and absolutely NO problem when it comes to arousal...as long as he starts!

Herein, lies the problem.  I used to love to initiate.  And when I initiate, it takes him off the hook and creates a wonderfully natural and sensual response...and that is what I miss.  Wanting to WANT.  

If you ever find yourself trying to be asleep before your partner comes to bed, working yourself to exhaustion in order to have an "out", obliging on a regular basis or worse yet, denying your partner, help is on the way!!

And, if you are trying to determine if  you, in fact, have HSDD ( Hypoactive Sexual Desire Disorder ) or simply a waning of your normal libido, let me try to clarify the difference.

The simple answer is this : 
1)  If your relationship is otherwise healthy - emotionally
2)  If you have no physical ailments or conditions which make sex difficult or uncomfortable
3)  If there is nothing to attribute this lack of desire such as  12 small children in your bed at night, an aging parent living with you, a naggy boss....
4)  And if you lack desire for sex with your partner and are distressed about it
...then you likely are suffering from HSDD.

Many critics will say, this is normal and that what I need is to be more mindful, to have my husband "set the mood"or treat me better, to have a glass of wine to set the stage, travel to an exotic beach...they call this a lack of "spontaneous desire" and that I, therefore, need to focus on "reactive or responsive" desire by adding the above triggers in order to charge my engine.

My response is, there is not enough wine or an exotic enough beach to turn my light switch back on!  My husband is amazing, treats me like a princess, romances me, spoils me and adores my body.  If my lack of desire was this easily fixed, I would not be writing this today and continuing to pray for and FDA approved medication to help.

Let's think of it this way.  I love donuts.  Particularly, Krispy Kreme donuts. For most of my life simply thinking about them coming fresh off the line, warm and sweet, made my mouth water and my stomach rumble.  For me, they were more than comfort food...they were reward food!

I didn't need to have them sent to me with a ribbon wrapped around them and a note of affirmation to know that I loved them more than anything and could not wait to get one in my greedy little hand.

"Spontaneous" thoughts of Krispy Kreme donuts or the simple visual stimulation of the lighted up "HOT NOW" sign would get my mouth watering and my tummy screaming for them.  What's more, my head got in the game, too, urging me to go forth and conquer!

Non-spontaneous triggers prompted those same responses, too.  "Responsive" triggers such as someone plopping a hot glazed dozen donuts on my desk in the morning or my sister delivering a hot glazed batch to the hospital after I gave birth also stirred my loins.

Reactive or spontaneous, donuts did it for me.  

Consider what it would be like, though, if suddenly, and for no reason, I lacked the desire for these donuts.  Of course, metaphorically speaking.  Even knowing how much I adore the taste of them, the thought of the and how I felt when they touched my lips and slid down into my belly, I opted out of them.  Sort of like the red light in the "HOT NOW" sign was out permanently.

NO matter how often I "thought" about them, saw the sign or even if someone wrapped a dozen up in a big pink ribbon with an affirmation filled card, my mouth didn't water and I didn't want to eat them or experience them...the "REWARD" I knew and associated with them no longer was enough to prompt me to eat them. Even if right in front of me, I chose to not indulge.

Name your poison or pick your favorite food.  What I am trying to illustrate is that no matter how much I love sex with my husband, know how good his touch feels to me, know how my body responds to him and how satisfying sex can be with him, if I lack the desire to start, I will either opt out altogether or simply oblige, which changes the whole dynamic into a carnal act rather than an experience and neither of us are truly satisfied.

Believing that good sex is the coup de gras and the better indicator of a healthy sexual relationship is short sighted to me.  What I crave more than good sex is the thought of good sex, the desire building up to it, the spontaneous and sensual build up to it and the mutual, intimate participation.  In their absence, it simply becomes an animalistic swapping of bodily fluids.  Don't get me wrong, there are times when raw, quick and unadulterated sex is great.  

But when that becomes the rule rather than the exception or when that, too, disappears because of shame or distress built from lack of desire, trouble is brewing and you better prepare.


Thankfully, a final approval is due on August 18 for the first ever FDA approved drug for WOMEN who SUFFER from LOW DESIRE or HSDD.

It has been a long and arduous journey since I took my last clinical dose of ADDYI and I cannot wait to get my first official prescription and turn my "HOT NOW" sign back on! For me, ADDYI not only increased our number of sexually satisfying events, it bolstered the frequency of these times and significantly decreased the distress that plagued me night and day.  I got my "sexy" on and recaptured my sexual confidence and self-esteem in and out of the bedroom.

19 days and counting....

THANK YOU Dr. James Simon for these links and logos!!  LOVE them and YES, YES, YES I am struggling with low LIBIDO and want women's "VIAGRA"...although, remember all, it is NOT Viagra!! :-)

http://www.usatoday.com/story/opinion/2015/06/09/female-viagra-fda-flibanserin-column/28692887/

http://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2015-06-04/female-libido-drug-nears-approval-with-fda-panel-s-backing