As it turns out, for me and my husband, ADDYI was far more than a clinical trial drug designed to boost my low libido I was experiencing due to my HSDD in 2009.
Of course, we figured this out several weeks into the trial after we BOTH began noticing that my usual flirty and somewhat suggestive self had returned! This was a welcome surprise to both of us as, for months, we had both been wondering where in the world was my libido!! We thought it would be easier to find WALDO than find my sex drive which had literally left unannounced, without warning and left no forwarding address!
Somewhere along this journey, however, as I began suggesting we skip desert and head home for some alone time, dusted off my collection of sensual and slightly ( ok, maybe genuinely ) naughty nighties and once again left small tokens of my love for him written in lipstick on his mirror or in the front seat of his car as he slept, something else happened.
We started TALKING about sex. Really talking. You already know at this point that I was raised in the deep south as a staunch Southern Baptist, that I was taught sex was pretty much for procreation, not recreation and that men simply need a place but women need a reason. To a degree, so was my husband. So in the early years of our relationship, when things were sexually charged and energized, we really had no need to talk about "it" and besides...it was not natural to discuss such personal and taboo subjects.
But having experienced a year of no urge to recreate, then getting a diagnosis of HSDD, being treated with ADDYI and once again wanting to recreate, we opened the box which held that elephant in the room, set it free and began talking about the issues contained in that can of worms. Much to our surprise and delight, is seemed natural. The first conversation may have been a tad like a first date, awkward with how to bring it up but because we loved each other so completely and once again felt physically connected, it worked.
It was only then that I found out just how much my lack of interest in sex had impacted his ego, his self esteem and literally his masculinity. Silently, he was worried I was no longer attracted to him, angry that I might be seeing someone else and sad that he was unable to articulate that to me. At the same time he began to understand how guilty I had been feeling, how embarrassed I was and to what extent I would go to weasel out of sex in order to NOT make him feel badly. Neither of us were very successful at these unspoken efforts and so our relationship was teetering on the edge of disaster.
From that point on, however, even after the trial stopped and I was without the drug again, we give ADDYI all the credit for opening up many "doors". The door to desire, the door to intimacy and equally as important the door to communication.
Yesterday, 5 years post trial, after Sunday afternoon trip to the gym followed by a quick skinny dip in the pool, we lounged comfortably across from each other wrapped in nothing but our towels and talked as the sun set and the coolness of fall began to breeze across our porch. It was as intimate occasion as I can remember...sex free. Talking about the journey we have been on together for 10 years in total, since the trial, on our visits to the FDA, speaking with countless couples about our experience with HSDD and trying to figure out why the harsh criticism of a drug that we know worked! We spent the better part of the afternoon engaged in an intimate conversation about where we had been, alternate therapies we had tried, with no luck, and how we looked forward to October 17 when ADDYI will be available.
But as we lay across from each other, shame and guilt free, we remarked how grateful we were for the "little pink pill" and all the doors it opened for us. Even though as soon as the trial ended, so did my desire, the intimate conversation continued as did our quest to regularly affirm each other, take regular relationship temperature checks and find alternate ways to express and receive desire when my normal desire was still on vacation.
How lucky are we that we came across this trial, had the benefit of being on the study drug, experienced significant results both in sexually satisfying events as well as dramatic decrease in distress we were BOTH feeling and got that urge in the middle of the day to go leave him something suggestive in his car or text him "Hey, want to HAVE me for lunch today"! It was exhilarating and refreshing and we simply cannot wait to return to that chapter of our life.
We are both thankful to Sprout for it's unending dedication and determination to make this drug available, to Even The Score for helping empower women across the country find their voice, to the FDA for understanding that ADDYI was statistically significant with modest, but not abnormal, side effects and to those who have taken an active role in supporting women everywhere suffering from HSDD.
To couples suffering with HSDD, it is our sincere hope that you will start talking NOW. Before ADDYI is available. Talk to each other, talk to friends, talk to your physician, message me...just talk to reassure each other, to understand what is going on and be proactive at helping yourself as soon as treatment is available.
For us, ADDYI was relationship saving and life changing. An ADDYI A DAY will help keep the distress away!
No comments:
Post a Comment